I need to let this out

It all started in september, when I met Robert. He was nice, he thought I was interesting, and he seemed to love me for me. Then we were watching "what a girl wants" in his room. As soon as the characters kiss, me and him do the same; that's when our friendship took off to a relationship level. I was happy, I no longer had to worry about being alone, being isolated.

Then, he wouldn't spend any time with me because of his work. or his room mate situation. but he had time to go hang out with his friends and have a good time. I was stupidly ok with that since he needs to be with his friends as much as he needs to be with me. What really made me think somthing was wrong was when he said in a happy tone, "we wont see each other because im working all week!" I ended up crying that night. For the 1st time in a long time, I was crying. Tears falling, sobbing like a baby.

Then, one night, we faught. because he wanted to break it off because it wasn't working. I wanted to fix it. He didn't want to. He said I annoyed him that I didn't like mainstream crap(who would?). Then we broke up, i walked outside that night and once again cried. The things he said cut me deeply, I tought he loved the fact i was a freak and not just apart of mainstream society. turns out, he didn't.

Then a couple of months later(like in december), he IMs me out of the blue, nanuchantly, and asks me how my break is going; I respond without tearing him a new one. It didn't seem the right time to be doing such. then, he tells me my at the time, BF was cheating on me. I'm just horrified and I'm shaken up at the fact that it happened. And yet Robert seemly comforts me. That's when things started looking good between us.

Then things went downhill once we became Friends W/ benifits. I thought things would move up and we could become a couple again. But I was a fool. I was a stupid, blind fool. He only wanted a quick fix. and he cared more about his friends then he did about me. When it was his birthday, I wanted to go with him and his friends to his birthday dinner. But he never invited me. He said it was because his mistress Kristen didn't like me.

Before that, he would blow me off for his friends. he would say we could do things later on tonight, then go with them to go eat, or do whatever. Then he stoped answering my txts. and claiming that he never recieved them.

I talked to him about this and he got angry and said, "this friends w/ beinfits isn't working! I'm Upset and tired and i'll handle it later!!!!" Even though he promised he would stay in the conversation until it was done. Didn't he think I was just as uspset and just as tired and I wanted to close this?

Honestly, Should i go on being friends with him? Should i just give him the finger and just move on? Honestly, i know the answer but its just so hard and for some odd reason, i think i need him.

OK, I'm sick of ignorant christians running around this earth!!! I mean, the spread their filth called, "the bible" to people and want them to live their life based on this fictional piece of work!! and yet they condemn others for doing the same thing but with a slight divitation; they live by another work of fiction. be it koran, torah, or even Star trek.

I use to be christian and was once like this but, I got a brain and left the church. Mostly, I was sick of the pope codoning their priests molesting children and destroying families' lives. They pay for their freakin' defence funds!!! If, the pope really want to condemn these preists for their actions, DON'T PAY FOR THEIR DEFENCE!!!!!! Simple common sence, but christians lack this other wise they wouldn't be following a stupid fictional book telling them how to live their lives. I see no difference between them and trekies. other than what they follow.

Another thing that urks me is that you have to BLINDLY follow!!! There is no questioning beliefs or questioning the "authority" or "god" because that is blasmphomy!!! you have to be completely stupid and a sheep to follow. they don't children reading the Golden Compass because they're afraid children are going to become free thinkers and actually use their mind! as if thats a bad thing. don't we want our children to be open minded and look at the world for what it is? or do we want stupid children running around being sheltered from anything that isn't what is known? Well, apperently the latter is happening now as movies now days SUCK ASS! script writers are getting lazyer than ever and that is appauling. I go see a movie so i can see something intriciate, somthing to puzzle me, not to show cool graphics, or blood + gore and no plot! If I want to see that, Then I'll go play a FPS game, those are plotless and programed to entertain the simple minded.

But what really annoys me, is when they try to get the entire nation to follow their beleifs. "Abortion is murder!" it may be, but somtimes its the BEST option. Woman raped and is pregent, if i was that woman, I would want to have one. I didn't consent to the sex, I didn't consent to this pregnecy, so why should i have to carry it full term? Why should I have to pay for someone else's selfish choice? If the man who impregneated me wanted the child then they can put it in him and give him harmone thepery to nurse it until its time. There's a case about a family who's 8-year old was pregnet and the parents didnt abort the child. she was raped and became pregnet because of it. Well, needless to say, she died along with the baby. If i was a judge, I'd charge these people with Child Endangerment, 2nd degree murder, and some other charges to make my point that they are idiots. IF it was my daughter and her life was in danger, I would do anything to save her.

But, I guess im the only one that see that. Christians, if you are offended; Good!!! but be offended for the right reasons, be offended that your fellow people are harming others, not following the TRUE meanings of christianity, and YOUR POPE is allowing YOUR PRIESTS to molest children.

soon, i get to move into my new room at Texas A&M University- Corpus Christi. yeah, i chose the A&M cult. Though, I'm not an Aggie hehe. I'll get pictures of this campus soon enough. This summer was pretty eventful.....that was sarcasm. I did nothing, well almost nothing, I did go on 2 dates And get stood up twice. Even if i say myself. I just hope this new begining is exactly what I need.

Tomorrow, i have to show up for orientation and stay until Friday. I'll be stuck with freshman again....great, like I could stand them when I was one. Well, by Texas Standards, I still am. Other than that nothing new in my life. well, there is but I don't want to say just yet.

with only one friend my posts will be public. Unless they're meant for jay. nothing new in my life. like there ever is. one more month until school starts(well it starts the 22 of august). i hope i get my room assignment soon.

i was listening to music, and i ran across a song on my iPod (yes i have one, im the "in crowd" now -_-).

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now hes gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

This song, reminds me of what i felt at UD at many points. but no one cared, they were all too happy in their own world. we had a psychologist; free of charge, but she seemed to not care. she was there when you needed to vent. but mostly that was it. however, she helped me that Wednesday Aug 30, 2006. yeah, everything crashed that day. everything was a sham I realized. but, i never cried. i do not know why but i haven't cried in years. my last cry was back in 2002. can't remember why i cried but it sure hurt and it let a lot out. no one saw me.

i think i may convert to Buddhism. for a while being a atheist after feeling betrayal from the religion i was born into i think something may be missing in my life. but i also don't want to go to a religion because of that reason. thats how fanatics come about, the ones with the signs and the chants that go to abortion clinics and blow them up. or the ones that seem to think their beliefs are the right ones and everyone else is going to hell.

Buddhism seems to be a 1 on 1 religion. where you find your own inner peace on your own; not through a congregation of chanting morons who are there only to believe they are being "saved" instead of rotting in an eternal quagmire. and many of the catholicism beliefs seem to have a "holier than thou" approach to life. sex is a sin unless your procreating, you mustn't drink alcoholic beverages. psh...that last one people have been breaking for centuries. my "family" (i put quotes around that as i don't think of them as such) is a bunch of alcoholics and they follow the catholic faith.

and i cannot seem to worship a god of hate. many of these fanatic Christians seem to think god hates a certain groups of people, doesn't it say that god loves all his children? what ever happened to "love the person, hate the sin"? did that go out the window as you threw the stone and saved your face by saying it was for god? Let me say that a god born out of hate and spreads his hate cannot bring an eternal utopia for his followers to live in.

that said, I feel alot as been lifted off my chest and alot of buried feelings are now surfaced and can now roam free. i feel a little lighter.

As I look back I was looking foward to FFX-2. mostly the japanese singing was the best. Square had done good by Choosing Koda Kumi to sing, to do the coreography and to do the voice of Lenne. The flashy stuff was mesmorizing and even hypotinzied me at some points.

When I heard that FFX-2 was comming to the NA shores, I was excited. I couldn't wait. I had the downloaded artbook, the songs, I could even sing them in japanese(though i didnt know if I was saying actuall japanese words or just making up gibberish to make it sound japanese). Deep inside I was hoping that Koda Kumi would sing the english version. I was hoping they wouldn't get anyone else as no one else could sing HER songs the way she could. My wishes were confirmed, Koda Kumi was recording english versions of real Emotion and 1000 Words. And she would release them on her upcomming single "Come with me". When I heard them, hair stood up on the back of my neck, I couldn't believe it, they were better than I imagined. I would even sing those to myself when no one was around. They were THAT good. so it was hard to understand her at some points. they were still good

All those hopes came crashing down when FFX-2 international said they would have Jade from sweetbox sing. "ok," I thought "this is just for the international version that would only be seen in Japanese shores." Oooooh how I was wrong, I heard the songs she did for FFx-2 were going to be in the NA release.....I was in shock!!! Jade not only did a bad job, she ruined the game beyond the point of liking it. Granted Kristine Sa didnt do a good job when she did a "inspired" remake.

Jade is Inferior to Koda Kumi. Jade sounded like a Combination of a Rat and Nails scratching the board. If square could have worked with koda more, given her voice lessons on how to sing in english, she could have nailed the singing part. but square didn't want to wait. they got someone inferior to sing HER songs. Koda wrote the lyrics to the song, square just did the BGM for the song. i would have prefered that The songs had been left in japanese and they added english subtitles. they could had covered that up with a subplot of Yuna/Lenne having the ability to sing in japanese.

Minigames.....this is like 90% of the game. this seemed to cover up the bad plot the game had. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy playing minigames but thats it, minigames are a SIDEQUEST, you had to trail off the beaten path of the game to find them. not go to a world and suddendly you have to do a minigame. This was cool the 1st 2 times, but after that, it got old REAL fast. I had to shut off the game and give it back. This chalanged my intelegence and I did not like that. I felt like I was in dipers barly learning how to play videogames. that's ok....if I was actually IN dipers playing video games and that was a LONG time ago.

Sex Appeal...to attract guys? ummmm guys were mostly playing Final fantasy games square. most of the gamers out there are guys. dressing the characters to look like sluts is NOT going to work. Pamela Anderson, Anna Nicole Smith, the waiteresses at Hooters fill in that gap. Sultty is NOT good for sex appeal. if guys want sex appeal, they should go play tomb raider or better yet.... go watch a porno. thats why they made it, for guys. if a guy baught the game JUST to see the characters in skimpy clothing....then that person is an idot. you could have downloaded some porn for the cost of $0.00 or EUR or GBP or any other currency is used.

I don't know HOW this game got to greatest hits status in America, I turly don't. I feel that game companies are going this route to please american male audiences that just jack off at every single woman dressed in skimpy outfits and that shouldn't happen. Video Games are ment to entertain in a good way. Not to entertain us with sexual inuendos or actuall sex scenes. That's what the porn industry is for. for rent/buy/download it if your the type that I described above. If your the type that plays video games just to play to past the time, stay clear; If you are a die heart final fantasy fan that just wants to play every single one, be very weary of this title. Think of it as Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness, only the dieheart fans will enjoy this.